Give It A Rest Uwe!

When I was a junior in high school, we had a German exchange student. He was everything you'd think of in a stereotypical German guy- hefty, looks like he's 40 only he's 17, has a 5 o'clock shadow at noon, has graying wavy hair, and I feel like he was wearing lederhosen (but that might just be to show off that he was an exchange student). He came in on the first day of choir, sat down at the piano before the start of class and started playing and singing in this rich baritone voice. He sang operatically and the sound filled the choir room. Students felt as though they were being welcomed into class and ushered into this new choir history. They applauded for him after the bell rang.

Cut to one week later....Uwe (pronounced Uva to lame English speakers), continues to play and sing and serenade the class until one student, sensing the rising sentiment of disgust, yells out: "Give it a rest Uwe!!"

No more playing piano or singing after that. (except in choir and in the multiple solos the choir director gave him).

In honor of Uwe, I looked up hefty guy playing a piano on Google and found this:


I know Uwe would have been much more dignified.

Hit N' Run Evangelism

I'm trying to decide what I think about Hit N' Run Evangelism.

This is the term I give to Christians witnessing, in a non-personal way, and for which the evangelizers are never seen.

Some examples (I've heard Christians talk about most of these things):

-Christian magazines left at laundromats
-Tracts left here and there and especially on tables at restaurants
-Suggestive movie covers turned around at Blockbuster
-Suggestive books in libraries/bookstores put in other places or dumped in trash cans at the store
-Jesus graffiti. "Jesus Loves You" on overpasses, etc. (This seemed to be more of a phenomenon growing up).

Doppelganger

Yesterday I saw my doppelganger at a local Omaha restaurant.

Except that it was a red-haired, 5'4" woman.

But still, her face shape was the same.

Funniest Thing I've Seen In A Long Time

Whisper Man

In college, you could kind of tell who many of the pre-seminary students were. Not just because of their hairstyles or clothes but because of the way they empathized with you or challenged you.

I had many guy friends who used a different voice when practicing pastoring. They adopted a slightly higher pitch and they softened the volume almost to a whisper. I liken this 'fumbling about' to children practicing being doctors; harmless and getting the kinks out. No pastor who has real-life experience still goes to that voice, surely. While meaning to sound sincere, it often sounded pretentious... like the person was talking to a baby.

"Yeah, I know what you mean"
"Have you considered...."
"The Bible says..."
"It is difficult, I know"

Business majors and Bible majors wore the suits in the college yearbook. That was another way to tell people apart.

Xanadu

One positive from the earlier flight (reference Royal Air Maroc: Airplane Restrooms) was that I saw how the flight attendants "fix" the bathroom lock from the outside to make it look occupied for take-off and landing.

Now I can repeat said 'fix' and....make one restroom my own personal restroom for a flight. Like Jerry remarks about George's personal workplace restroom in Seinfeld...'Xanadu'!

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Also, I had no idea....but when flying from Canada, US Customs gets done BEFORE the flight! There is an American Section at the Montreal airport!! Like Guantanamo in Cuba,...okay...bad example. You experienced travelers probably knew this already, but I found this to be delightful....to go through security and customs in Montreal and arrive at Gate C, Terminal 1 in Chicago instead of at Terminal 5, Gate M and take a train over.

Airplane Restrooms

When I boarded the Royal Air Maroc flight from Casablanca to Montreal, I had already unleashed a horde of obscenities after spending 5 grueling hours with them the day before.

When I checked in, I asked for an exit row, because of my height. The ticket agent gladly obliged, ripping up my old ticket, and telling me I was in an exit row on an aisle.

When I arrived on the plane, my seat instead was against the exit row, with a barely reclining chair, a safety vest beneath the seat in front of me, and a restroom directly to my right. Add crying babies, no movies, a call button being pressed over and over again unanswered by the crew, and a flummoxed attendant who mentions that only one ear bud is SUPPOSED to work for the in-flight music. Thankfully, the music available is not appealing, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out too much.

Back to the restroom….

I was faced with several people who are unfamiliar with ‘locking’ the bathroom door, the door remaining ‘unoccupied’ to outside observers and therefore being opened mid-business. Each time, I was the face the user saw when the door opened…instead of the person actually opening the door.

So many people were confused at how to open the restroom door that I was asked repeatedly during the flight to help people open the door. Mid-flight I took out a hand towel, meticulously placed it folded over my forearm, took out the life-savers from my backpack and started assisting passengers in their restroom experience. Thankfully, Royal Air Maroc already provides some of the amenities expected from a high-class restroom: tissues and fine-smelling lotion. A few guesses as to nationality: ‘Bonjour’, ‘Allo’, etc. to make the experience ‘warm and inviting’ and I am the proud owner of 15 Moroccan Dinars.

Younger Siblings

In my family, some of the younger ones would just lick the salt off chips and put them back into the bag. And I, on more than one occasion, put a soggy chip into my mouth.

Second Day; Overheard at Village Inn

Waitress (Shouting from across the restaurant): Hey 'Matt', you want to be a server today?

Matt: Why, you one short today?

Waitress: Yeah, 'Julie' tore a ligament in her uterus and won't be here.

Overheard At Village Inn

Waitress: How is the Hollandaise sauce this morning?

Patron: It is a little watery, but the flavor is good.

Waitress: Maybe it is because they don't know how to make it.

Are You Allowed To Put GPS Tracking Devices...

In your airline bags so that when they misplace/lose the bag, you can tell them exactly where it is?

Church Stories

-At my church in Illinois, a Christian comedian performed one evening and near the end, gave an invitation....you know the invitation I'm talking about. Somehow I was confused. I was sitting in the balcony, I stood up, and started walking downstairs only to mentally realize the substance of the invitation. I quickly replayed the comedian's message to see if a 're-dedication' would be appropriate and concluded no. I deviated from the group walking downstairs and pretended I was lost for about 3 minutes before going to my dad's office (he was a Pastor at the church). I met back up with family member's at the end and recounted the embarrassing story.

-My cousin Steven and I were sugar fiends in late elementary/early junior high. We had a whole tour around the church. First, we would sneak down to the pantry and take taste tests between sugar, equal, and sweet-n-low packets. We also ate cookies (mostly oatmeal...a real treat was the rare chocolate chip), drank tang up in the nursery, then to the choir room for the hard candies, and then across the street to Burger King (skipping church) to get free refills on Coke. No wonder he was a bit 'jumpy' those years.

-After 1980, 'Jim' was rarely seen at church without a Big Gulp in his hands. When the Super Big Gulp and then the Double Gulp came out, he upsized. 'Jim' was not self-aware...even taking the first chunk out of my sister Catherine's birthday cake. Our family used to spend Sunday afternoons at church because of the 45 minute drive into the city and needing to be at both Sunday morning and Sunday evening services. Because of this, Catherine's birthday cake was put into a fridge upstairs to be celebrated later. When it was taken out, there was a large section missing. 'Jim' later confessed.

Inspired by True Events

In the movies, often mentioned with romantic flair, is when a man holds his girlfriend's hair back when she is sick and vomiting. This is how she 'knows' he is the One. It is similar to the television/movie scenario: "all I need is a gazuntite or a bless you" and I know he is sensitive and will be there for me.

Cut to marriage. One sister and her husband. She gets sick last night.

He does the following (Inspired by true events):

1) Pretends he's not nearby when she calls from the adjoining bathroom for him to get her something.
2) Says 'get out of our bed and sleep with our son' who is also sick.
3) Says '95% of not feeling well is in the mind.'
4) Says 'it must have been something that all of you ate' (3 people are ill)...even though they all ate different things yesterday.

My sister says she should have known because when they were dating, he came over with chicken soup, dropped the soup on the front step & rang the doorbell, and high-tailed it out of there.

He must have a Pentecostal view of sickness and not allowing it a 'foothold' in. When I mentioned, to be empathetic, that my niece had been fussy all day and this is probably the reason she was fussy with him...replied "We don't say fussy, we say particular." Huh?

He really is a good husband and father, just a little wacky.

The Best Week Ever For Videos Posted on Facebook

I Like Watching People Laugh on YouTube

Random Conversations

A few days ago, talking with Farmer 'John' and fellow volunteer 'Jane':

Me: I'm a pacifist and your a pacifist, but how do you feel about me punching one of your chickens in the face, when she tries to bite me and makes me bleed again?

John: Uhhh....I don't think it will work.

Me: Oh yeah, I'd probably just get bit again. They're quick.

John: But your question does bring up a really deep philosophical discussion about whether pacifism extends to animals.



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Jane: These eggs at the bottom of the refrigerator are two months old! I'm still going to eat them.

Me: You're on strong antibiotics from your cold; there's no risk...you're invincible and could eat anything. If you get sick, I'll know not to eat them. If you don't get sick, I'm still not eating two month old eggs.

Jane: You know that most of the eggs you buy at the grocery store are at least that old, don't you?

Me: No.

Pommel Horse

Yesterday was spent driving from northern MN to Omaha for a good friend's wedding this weekend. It was not the most pleasant experience...

I had a bad head cold, my back hurt from farm work, and I thought I broke my hand in the night. I also carried two egg-laying hens for Silas and Kimberly.

To back up...I thought I broke my hand because starting around 1:30AM I woke up with my hand HURTING like h@ll!!. I woke up dazed, and pictured myself on a pommel horse, only to take painkilers and fall back asleep for a few hours.



I take painkillers for the ride but still feel the throbbing pain of my hand/wrist during the drive, peak over into the back seat to check on the hens in the back seat. They pop up their heads and occassionaly cluck. They are 'nestled' into a sewn towel because the farmer says they relax when in a tight & dark space. I have a pillow sheltering the sun, above the towel and balancing on the back seat.

I arrived first at Silas and Kimberly's and two of their children came running to see the hens I've brought. Silas opens the towel slowly to take them out and says 'I don't think these hens are alive.' He feels one that has already gone rigamortis and the other one he hits gently on the head to try to 'wake up' from its eternal slumber. I have just driven almost 9 hours with hens shitting and pissing in my back seat to deliver dead hens to good friends.

I had offered these hens to Silas and Kimberly thinking they might want to have fresh eggs in the mornings and they even had an Omaha government worker come out to inspect their yard and certify that it was suitable for hens.

Thankfully the kids seem nonplussed, don't cry or scream. I had asked the farmer specifically if the hens would survive an 8.5 hour drive and he assured me yes.
Thankfully Silas grew up in Kenya and knows how to pluck & cook the dead hens for a future family dinner. Sorry Silas and Kimberly.

While I was there, I asked Silas about my hand and if someone can break their hand while sleeping. Silas said 'for anyone else I'd say no, but I've seen you thrash around pretty good in the night-time.' I knew I tossed and turned, but this was a revelation.

I had dinner with Paul and Ana from Romania last night at the Brazenhead and then slept at Jared & Julie's. As always they were super gracious and kind. When I woke up after a good night's sleep, my head cold had significantly improved and my hand had stopped hurting! This morning it was breakfast with Chris Harrell, in from Romania for his brother's wedding.

Tomorrow is the wedding and then I'll head back to the farm.

Day Trip To Spokane and Frog Hunting

Last Friday I took a day trip to Spokane to cross another state off my list...Washington. The Spokane river, with its quick rapids, runs right through the city and is surrounded by parks, which makes it quite beautiful, peaceful, and green. They also have beautiful old bridges that you can cross and stop along the way to admire creation.

One of the voluntary tasks I've taken up in Idaho has been to hunt bullfrogs at the family's pond. They are an invasive species to the area and are said to eat small fish, other frogs, and even baby ducks! They are HUGE! And they make sounds throughout the day and night that I first mistook for donkeys. I asked the family..."Do you have donkeys in your backyard?" "No...those are bullfrogs", they replied. The sound can be heard both in the house and in what my host family calls 'the gypsy wagon' sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night.

I will try to post a picture of one of the frogs I killed using a BB gun. They seem to be armor plated since after that first 'kill' I've shot many more and they haven't died. When the dad and I went out on the canoe on Tuesday we shot 4 more that never reappeared. When the son went shooting Wednesday, we found 4 BB holes in one frog and it was still crawling around. I had to shoot it point blank to get it to die....its 5th shot!!

Radio Con't...And Arriving Safe In Idaho

4 Radio Stories then a Description of My Living Situation in Idaho

1) While I was driving, I felt for a few minutes like I was in LOST...There was a repeating AM signal: F-PCom Alpha, Broke-Nition Green.

2) There were also cow auctions being advertised and ALL the nearby families that were selling their cows...I was mesmerized. The Petersen family, 115 black & baldys, heifers, 6 and a half to 7, grass fed, no hormones. The Fowler family, 95 reds, steers, 1050 to 1200, no hormones. The Nymans, 55 blacks, calves, 4 to 5, weaned.

3) Also, a Hospital Report listing all the people in the county that were at the hospital.

4) Finally, there was a bluesy jazz song...sung by a woman about her how her butt is too big for her denim jeans. Something to the effect of...My butt's too big for these pants. My zipper cries out. There's no such thing as a butt too big. There's no two butt's about it.

In Idaho, I am living in a converted old truck bed that made me think immediately of "Into the Wild". It has water from a foot pump, no electricity, and I have an outhouse immediately behind the 'shack'. I can use the family's house whenever I need for showers or to help prepare/eat meals. The structure is made from wood and is quite beautiful, compact, and cozy.

The family is great so far. I did some transplanting of some plants today and weeding. I will come to the coffee shop or the library once a day for internet. My first 'weird' experience was while getting settled in....a moose appeared less than 5 feet from me. Unfortunately, I think I left my camera battery & charger in a wall socket in a hotel, so no pictures for awhile. However, the family says that moose reappears frequently, so by the time I leave I hope to send a picture of the truck & the moose.

To leave you with some sense of time lag, here is the picture of me holding lit dynamite in Potosi, Bolivia.

College is the Time for Crazy Stories

Stories that involve road trips, crazy professors, pranks, and small rebellions.

1) I had a crazy lady English professor who was always really disoriented, as if she was thinking big thoughts and had trouble concentrating for the lowly job of teaching intro students. There was a story that quickly circulated when 1 or 2 years before, she had been engrossed in a book at home, forgot the time and rushed late to class. She untied her trench coat to reveal her blouse to her students. She quickly re-tied the trench coat and explained she must have forgotten to put other clothes on in her rush to class.

2) Some of my friends really wanted to hear this band playing in Chicago (we were in school in Kentucky), so we left school and 5 of us packed in...sometime in late November for the experience. We grabbed dinner in Chicago (they were serving wine in the lobby to say 'sorry' for the wait). We then 'snuck' into this club because we were all under age. The college I attended had a no-drinking policy....the first offense got you kicked out of college. At the club, I was good and didn't drink (but there were other drinks that looked like OJ that my friends were drinking). The music was good but not spectacular...funny that my friend from high school was in the band playing bass.

We left the club to drive back to school and everyone was extremely tired. The driver was falling asleep at the wheel. She turned the music on as loud as it could go, she kept the windows open to let the freezing cold air into the car. None of it was working. She said someone else had to drive or we were all going to die. I said, 'fine by me'. I was so tired at that point, I also didn't care one way or the other. One of the other ladies said she would drive but didn't know how to drive a standard. The original driver helped put the car in 5th gear and the friend drove the car like an automatic for the remaining time.

3. Pranks are a rule in college....whole classrooms being set up at the bottom of the swimming pool complete with desks in nice rows. Cows in bell towers, waking up a friend who is sleeping in class and telling them the professor has just asked them to pray, alarm clocks and watches being set at the wrong time to have students wake up early and go to an empty class, rappelling into dorm windows, leaving friends stranded at stores without rides back to school on purpose, all sorts of nasty and therefore necessarily un-said pranks that involve feces, plastering and painting over a dorm room door so that no door is visible, pranks in chapel that involve silverware falling out of hymn books all at the same time, etc.